"It is none of my business what you think of me."
I'm not sure where I read this but I have taken it on as my own, and it is pivotal to my survival in my recent foray back into the working world.
When we were still in South America, and only planning our return to Australia, I was often questioned about what I would 'do' when I returned. In this context 'do' is obviously indicative of the work you do - how you earn your living. My immediate answer was always, 'well, I know what I don't want to do - and that is to go back to teaching high school students'... Famous last words, as they say.
I explored a number of other options but nothing seemed to work out. I focussed myself on what I really wanted to do and came up with any number of things to spend my time on, but nothing that was going to put food in my mouth, clothes on my back and a roof over my head - let alone allow me to go travelling again! But I remained optimistic - something would turn up, just when I needed it.
Meanwhile we were actively pursuing the purchase of a house so that we would really feel like we were 'home', and considering the very real possibility that we would be paying our mortgage from our capital resources - didn't seem to make much sense really. One day I was making contact with one of my former colleagues, who is also a friend. I had seen her once shortly after returning and told her clearly what I didn't want to 'do'. On this second occasion as we were chatting, she suggested I might like to try coming back to work as a casual replacement teacher, because there weren't really many available. Much to my surprise, I agreed to give it a try, without even thinking about it.
I am now a casual mathematics teacher taking classes for full-time teachers who are absent for a variety of reasons. Now, I must make it clear that casual teachers are seen as fair game by teenagers. You are not a 'real' teacher and your presence in the classroom brings out the absolute worst in almost all humans between the ages of 12 and 18! They are confrontational and provocative - sometimes passively, but often aggressively. Deep down most have a shred of common decency left and will sometimes surprise themselves by responding in a neutral manner to a request, but positivity is largely lacking.
"Why won't you do your work?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You wouldn't understand. You're too old."
This is an example of a relatively minor altercation.
I decided that I wasn't having any altercations - that I was not going to rise to any bait - that I wasn't going to raise my voice - that I was going to be calm, cool and quiet. And above all, I was going to be polite.
In order to do this I had to be able to let go of any desire to make them do anything. And of paramount importance in this process was my belief in the statement I began here with:
"It is none of my business what you think of me."
Long ago I decided that life was too short to do something you hate. I have found a way to do something I am qualified and capable of doing without it causing me any stress - and it is sometimes even fun. Imagine - I can laugh when I am told that I am too old to understand!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Prison or Protection
There are bars on the windows here. As I sit and view the outside world, I also look through the bars of the fence outside.
Inside the boundary, buildings are mostly grey, although the older ones are of red bricks that have eroded with time, and are now smooth to touch. A flash of bright orange catches my eye as the sun hits it. It is a power box - its utilitarian purpose belied by its colour.
There is enough green to be seen to keep my spirits up. Trees are clearly visible from where I sit but they are, with one exception, outside the fence. Grass grows within and has a lush appearance due to the recent rains, but it is at best patchy, dotted with areas of almost grey dirt, compacted by thousands of feet over many years.
Even though the populace is enclosed in a finite space, I can hear evidence of lively enthusiasm vibrating around me from all directions - shouts, laughter and sometimes running feet.
A bell rings and the predominant sound now indicates movement of hundreds of bodies in different directions. I collect my books and join them in order to share my knowledge and wisdom with yet another group of often unresponsive teenagers, who are more focussed on their lives of freedom, outside the bars.
Inside the boundary, buildings are mostly grey, although the older ones are of red bricks that have eroded with time, and are now smooth to touch. A flash of bright orange catches my eye as the sun hits it. It is a power box - its utilitarian purpose belied by its colour.
There is enough green to be seen to keep my spirits up. Trees are clearly visible from where I sit but they are, with one exception, outside the fence. Grass grows within and has a lush appearance due to the recent rains, but it is at best patchy, dotted with areas of almost grey dirt, compacted by thousands of feet over many years.
Even though the populace is enclosed in a finite space, I can hear evidence of lively enthusiasm vibrating around me from all directions - shouts, laughter and sometimes running feet.
A bell rings and the predominant sound now indicates movement of hundreds of bodies in different directions. I collect my books and join them in order to share my knowledge and wisdom with yet another group of often unresponsive teenagers, who are more focussed on their lives of freedom, outside the bars.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I'm still here...
One might be tempted to suspect that the experience of being gazumped has laid me so low that any creativity I might have possessed has been expunged forever.
Not so! I have been writing elsewhere, but not here. Now let me share some of the things I have learnt in between:
- before reality, comes the dream
- if you can believe it, you can conceive it
- when you are clear, what you want will show up in your life
- 'our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt' (William Shakespeare)
- 'there are only 2 days a year on which nothing can be done: yesterday and tomorrow' (att. The Dalai Lama)
- big changes really do come from small beginnings
Ok, these are all 'borrowed' from someone else.
But,these are mine:
- life is a journey and the only place we ever truly arrive is the end of it
- when you are heading in a new direction, the hardest step is always the first
- life was meant to be easy - if you are following a path which is going uphill over rocky terrain and it is getting ever steeper and you are going barefoot, then it is very likely you have chosen the wrong path. Look for an exit very soon, or back up to find one.
- if you can't find a way out, look for a way in
- intention is a powerful part of any work
In these past few weeks, I have been remembering the importance of seeking guidance from whatever energy you believe is available to you. We all have different names for it - mine is "The Esteemed Indian Clerks".
The guidance I am seeking is to find:
- the right path to financial independence
- the right path to creating a home
- the right path to a healthier body
- the path to happiness.
These are the things that are important to me here and now. As I take the first step today I am going to trust that I will know where to put my foot for the next step, and the one after, and the one after that... And along the path I am going to be listening for cues of when it is time to take the steps slowly, and when to take them quickly, and when to simply rest and let the "Indian Clerks" do their thing.
Pushing and shoving and battling my way through life is in the past - so it no longer exists.
My life is flowing perfectly along the right path.
It is effortless.
Not so! I have been writing elsewhere, but not here. Now let me share some of the things I have learnt in between:
- before reality, comes the dream
- if you can believe it, you can conceive it
- when you are clear, what you want will show up in your life
- 'our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt' (William Shakespeare)
- 'there are only 2 days a year on which nothing can be done: yesterday and tomorrow' (att. The Dalai Lama)
- big changes really do come from small beginnings
Ok, these are all 'borrowed' from someone else.
But,these are mine:
- life is a journey and the only place we ever truly arrive is the end of it
- when you are heading in a new direction, the hardest step is always the first
- life was meant to be easy - if you are following a path which is going uphill over rocky terrain and it is getting ever steeper and you are going barefoot, then it is very likely you have chosen the wrong path. Look for an exit very soon, or back up to find one.
- if you can't find a way out, look for a way in
- intention is a powerful part of any work
In these past few weeks, I have been remembering the importance of seeking guidance from whatever energy you believe is available to you. We all have different names for it - mine is "The Esteemed Indian Clerks".
The guidance I am seeking is to find:
- the right path to financial independence
- the right path to creating a home
- the right path to a healthier body
- the path to happiness.
These are the things that are important to me here and now. As I take the first step today I am going to trust that I will know where to put my foot for the next step, and the one after, and the one after that... And along the path I am going to be listening for cues of when it is time to take the steps slowly, and when to take them quickly, and when to simply rest and let the "Indian Clerks" do their thing.
Pushing and shoving and battling my way through life is in the past - so it no longer exists.
My life is flowing perfectly along the right path.
It is effortless.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Gazumped
Such a totally intriguing word - such a terrible feeling of being so let down.
We made a decision, a month or so ago, that renting is not for us and we want our own home. The lending manager at the local bank was an absolute wonder, stretching the limits of the regulations to breaking point to tell us that, yes, we could have a loan to make up what we didn't have.
I did the calculations and worked out what we could afford, and Juergen has continuously researched online and in local newsprint for something that suits us and fits our financial constraints.
We made an offer on a property before Christmas, but weren't really convinced that it was the place for us, and that it would quite probably be too expensive. We were right on both counts.
The next house was listed on Christmas Eve. It looked interesting. It was in the right price range. It was in the right location, only a block away from the first one we were interested in.
The "silly season" hampered all progress, and finally we got to see it last Wednesday afternoon.
It was a bit more "colonial" than Juergen liked. The kitchen was not really how we would have had it. The living room was a bit small, and not really able to be changed. And there was only one toilet, and nowhere to put another.
But it was a very solid construction and the garden was nice and it had such beautiful big verandahs that I could just see both of our hammocks hanging out there.
We made an offer. The owner accepted.
I contacted the bank, a solicitor, and a building inspector and the process was started...
Then Saturday comes - another offer is made - and the gazumping process is begun. We so didn't want to be involved in it and I explained our point to the real estate agent. The vendor wanted to keep his word to us, but his partner thought that the other buyers needed it more than us. The woman is pregnant and due in March, so of course they need a house before we do so that the nursery can be painted before the baby comes...
I don't know if it's right or fair - but I do know it feels wrong and unfair.
So, back to the beginning again, but with an even clearer picture of what we want - which includes a hassle-free purchase.
We made a decision, a month or so ago, that renting is not for us and we want our own home. The lending manager at the local bank was an absolute wonder, stretching the limits of the regulations to breaking point to tell us that, yes, we could have a loan to make up what we didn't have.
I did the calculations and worked out what we could afford, and Juergen has continuously researched online and in local newsprint for something that suits us and fits our financial constraints.
We made an offer on a property before Christmas, but weren't really convinced that it was the place for us, and that it would quite probably be too expensive. We were right on both counts.
The next house was listed on Christmas Eve. It looked interesting. It was in the right price range. It was in the right location, only a block away from the first one we were interested in.
The "silly season" hampered all progress, and finally we got to see it last Wednesday afternoon.
It was a bit more "colonial" than Juergen liked. The kitchen was not really how we would have had it. The living room was a bit small, and not really able to be changed. And there was only one toilet, and nowhere to put another.
But it was a very solid construction and the garden was nice and it had such beautiful big verandahs that I could just see both of our hammocks hanging out there.
We made an offer. The owner accepted.
I contacted the bank, a solicitor, and a building inspector and the process was started...
Then Saturday comes - another offer is made - and the gazumping process is begun. We so didn't want to be involved in it and I explained our point to the real estate agent. The vendor wanted to keep his word to us, but his partner thought that the other buyers needed it more than us. The woman is pregnant and due in March, so of course they need a house before we do so that the nursery can be painted before the baby comes...
I don't know if it's right or fair - but I do know it feels wrong and unfair.
So, back to the beginning again, but with an even clearer picture of what we want - which includes a hassle-free purchase.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
endings and new beginnings
I had a friend who used to say, "there are no endings, only new beginnings".
As 2009 draws to a close, I take some encouragement in this. I look back over the past year with some sense of achievement.
This time last year we were in Uruguay, planning to reach Ushuaia by the end of January, and then begin our journey north again to wherever we would sell our mobile home and end our mammoth journey.
We still saw some stunning sights, and we met more wonderful people.
At times it felt like we would never achieve these goals but, looking back now, it appears as if it flowed easily from one step to the next, our journey continuing seemingly with a life of its own.
Looking back is always easier than looking forward. I don't know why we humans find it so difficult to trust our forward momentum, when looking back proves repeatedly that life has a way of working itself out in spite of us.
Now I sit in limbo - but it is comfortable here. It is a place of stillness, where nothing seems to be happening.
Today feels like the end of a chapter - but this just means that tomorrow is the beginning of the next one.
As 2009 draws to a close, I take some encouragement in this. I look back over the past year with some sense of achievement.
This time last year we were in Uruguay, planning to reach Ushuaia by the end of January, and then begin our journey north again to wherever we would sell our mobile home and end our mammoth journey.
We still saw some stunning sights, and we met more wonderful people.
At times it felt like we would never achieve these goals but, looking back now, it appears as if it flowed easily from one step to the next, our journey continuing seemingly with a life of its own.
Looking back is always easier than looking forward. I don't know why we humans find it so difficult to trust our forward momentum, when looking back proves repeatedly that life has a way of working itself out in spite of us.
Now I sit in limbo - but it is comfortable here. It is a place of stillness, where nothing seems to be happening.
Today feels like the end of a chapter - but this just means that tomorrow is the beginning of the next one.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Finding the path
I had believed that when I arrived 'home', I would know what to do next.
Now that we have been home for almost 3 months, I feel like I still don't know! But there are some things I have been learning:
1. Frustration and impatience don't change anything
2. Doing nothing doesn't achieve progress
3. Doing something just because you feel like it, rather than because it should help the situation, does achieve progress
4. The most important thing is working out what you want to do - not how you are going to do it
5. The right path is not always the obvious one
For a while I was very impatient - everything I started remained unfinished. Everytime I would launch into a new direction with the idea 'this is it', a barrier would pop up - usually just in time, I now suspect.
The other day, when yet another barrier appeared, I said to my husband:
"If we are heading down a path, and an insurmountable barrier appears, then it must be the wrong path."
Such a simple statement, but instantly the despair and depression connected with our situation dropped away.
Now I'm excited about finding the next markers for the trail through the forest of life.
And it's all about the journey, and not the arriving.
Now that we have been home for almost 3 months, I feel like I still don't know! But there are some things I have been learning:
1. Frustration and impatience don't change anything
2. Doing nothing doesn't achieve progress
3. Doing something just because you feel like it, rather than because it should help the situation, does achieve progress
4. The most important thing is working out what you want to do - not how you are going to do it
5. The right path is not always the obvious one
For a while I was very impatient - everything I started remained unfinished. Everytime I would launch into a new direction with the idea 'this is it', a barrier would pop up - usually just in time, I now suspect.
The other day, when yet another barrier appeared, I said to my husband:
"If we are heading down a path, and an insurmountable barrier appears, then it must be the wrong path."
Such a simple statement, but instantly the despair and depression connected with our situation dropped away.
Now I'm excited about finding the next markers for the trail through the forest of life.
And it's all about the journey, and not the arriving.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Post travel depression
And I thought I was being original...
Life just sometimes seems too hard. Everything about getting back to 'normal' is just plain difficult.
Then we both started having disturbing dreams and sleep interuptions. Two days ago I came up with the term - post travel depression. Today, just for fun, I googled it and got 16 300 000 results!!!
Does that make it any more real? Do we need some professional help to deal with it? Or do we just keep slugging away in the hope that tomorrow we will emerge from the haze, the house will suddenly be organised and feel more like a 'home', one of us will find some paid work so the possibility of having our own 'home' again won't be disappearing over the horizon.
I think one of the most difficult things is never really finishing anything. There is so much to do that I seem to get halfway through something and leave it to attend to something more urgent - and days later, it is still half done! As is whatever distracted me from it in the first place.
I used to be so organised - I used to be a lot of things, but travel changes everything.
And the thing it changes most of all is this seemingly never-ending process of returning 'home'.
Life just sometimes seems too hard. Everything about getting back to 'normal' is just plain difficult.
Then we both started having disturbing dreams and sleep interuptions. Two days ago I came up with the term - post travel depression. Today, just for fun, I googled it and got 16 300 000 results!!!
Does that make it any more real? Do we need some professional help to deal with it? Or do we just keep slugging away in the hope that tomorrow we will emerge from the haze, the house will suddenly be organised and feel more like a 'home', one of us will find some paid work so the possibility of having our own 'home' again won't be disappearing over the horizon.
I think one of the most difficult things is never really finishing anything. There is so much to do that I seem to get halfway through something and leave it to attend to something more urgent - and days later, it is still half done! As is whatever distracted me from it in the first place.
I used to be so organised - I used to be a lot of things, but travel changes everything.
And the thing it changes most of all is this seemingly never-ending process of returning 'home'.
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